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5 Ways to Love – In and Out of the Bedroom
People give and receive love in different ways. Our tendency is to give love as we receive it. But if your love language isn’t the same as your partner’s, you may feel like you’re constantly giving it to them, and they may complain that they don’t feel you love them. It’s like you speak English to them and they only understand French. When love is not communicated effectively, it can create feelings of confusion, anger, and frustration. There is a simple solution to this dilemma. Learn to speak the five languages of love. Then figure out which languages you and your partner respond to. Once you know their preferred language, you can speak to them in a language they understand. Then teach them your preferred languages so you too can receive love in a way that nourishes you.
The five love languages are:
Words of affirmation– Some people want to feel seen and appreciated for who they are and what they do with words of acknowledgment. They need to hear you regularly tell them you like their new haircut, enjoy the meal they cook for you, see them take out the trash, weed the yard, or empty the dishwasher. Your words are a powerful source of making them feel loved and valued. Tell them in the bedroom how much you love the glow of their skin, how it makes you shiver, how wild their touch drives you.
Quality Time– For others, words don’t mean as much as spending time together. These people want to feel connected through interactions. They need to feel that you care about them and what you are doing together. They want time together to be a priority. These people enjoy date night, a planned activity where you get together and focus only on each other. In the bedroom, this means setting aside a special time or even an entire day for love.
Gifts– Most people enjoy gifts, but for some people it is the main way they feel loved. This does not mean that they need expensive gifts. In fact, they often prefer cute or silly gifts that are given spontaneously for no reason at all. This type may be offended if you don’t give them a gift on their birthday or anniversary. Gifts are experienced as an expression of your love for them. In the bedroom, this can be in the form of a flower, a card or a small expression of your love hidden under a pillow.
Acts of service– Some people feel loved by what you do for them. These can be everyday tasks like folding laundry or bringing home pizza for dinner. It could be big things like taking them on a romantic vacation or remodeling the house. Your actions speak louder than words. They feel loved by you when you do everything for them that they want or need to do. In the bedroom, this could be cleaning the bedroom before making love. It can also be a make-out session when you only give it to them.
Physical touch– Most people respond best to loving touch. They want to hug, kiss, hold hands, massage, or snuggle with you on the couch. Just a simple arm around them while walking down the street or touching their hand across the table will allow them to feel your love through physical contact. In the bedroom, this might mean offering a massage as part of foreplay.
How Do You Like To Be Loved?
Here are three steps that can help you figure out the way you like to be loved best. In general, we give love as we enjoy receiving it. So one way to learn how we want to be loved is to pay attention to how we give love to others. Often we complain to our partner about a need we feel is not being met. What are your common complaints about the ways you don’t get the love you want? What requests do you make to feel loved? How do you most like to be loved (sexually) in the bedroom?
It is also helpful to increase your awareness of how you give and receive in all of your interactions. When you know how people want to be loved, it’s easy to give people what they want in a way that makes them feel good. It’s helpful to share this information with your lover, as well as your friends and family, so they can be more aware and give each other love in a mutually beneficial way.
Sometimes learning to speak a new love language is difficult. It may feel awkward or forced at first. Accept that you are learning a new way of communicating and that it will take time and practice to speak well in a new way that is foreign to you, just like learning a foreign language. You may worry about giving love in the bedroom in a way you haven’t before. Think of it as an adventure and enjoy the process. Also learn to surrender and allow yourself to love in new and delicious ways.
This article is based on Gary Demonte Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Spouse, which I recommend you read if you want to learn more.
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